stabLe_hips

 As we prepare to leave the Rock, I think about the rocks in my life currently.  What's my husband's prognosis?  How do we manage his care?  Can I work full time?  Part time?  What's my capacity to be looking at divisional training needs when my brain feels like it might explode before I finish my first cup of coffee.  It's a struggle. Maybe I just give it all up and try again as a death doula and dog walker and see where that goes?

 When I first explored a mental health leave, Bob was acting strangely - having periods of delusions and paranoia, and it was freaking me out to the point of wondering if I should remove his POA.   And then his rage happened - sudden outbursts of anger that were unprovoked and surprising in their vehemence.  He's working through all of this with his neuropsychiatrist while I work through my grief and my depression with my psychotherapist. And then last night - late - I was reminded of the thing that bothers me the most.  His selfishness.  He cannot abide one minute of discomfort no matter how many minutes of discomfort it would save me.  Last night he snored and snored and then got up at 4 claiming he was unable to sleep and demanded I put him in the sling and move him.  So I did, with some grumbling, to which he made his business case about having MS and his neck being uncomfortable.. and listen, I get it.  BUt this has been the third time d...

 We have dubbed this trip our "road apples" adventure - an ode to the tragically hip and a small nod to a situation that happened on our way to cape breton.  We left home on the 11th, I think, and drove to Laval to see friends, stayed in drummondville and then continued on to Oromocto and then to Halifax.  I'm learning that I'm older than I think I am - and had to make a 30 minute sleep stop on our drive through New Brunswick.  Once in Halifax we visited with family and friends, enjoying the connections and the later sleeps, and then moved on to Cape Breton. The drive there was dicey.  I was tired and he "felt pressure" but couldn't use the toilet before we left, despite putting off our departure time by more than an hour.  Things changed after Truro, and necessitated a stop at a car park, an unloading of his lift, and some road apples being dropped by a dumpster behind a truck.  Two narrow misses being seen - but a friendly chat with a local after mak...

 I'm in my fourth week of a mental health short term leave.  It's a weird feeling, getting up in the morning with no where to go and nothing to do.  My brain needs to rest, and I'm doing therapy, but the rest of my days are spent playing with the dogs or doing gardening or slowly going through vintage shops looking for deals.   My leave started after I wrote that blog entry - and when I returned from Mexico to a husband having neurological symptoms for his MS.  These included fun things like delusions and paranoia, and m personal favourite - rage.  It's impossible to work when your spouse has no concept of if he's in reality or present day, or insists that the hell's angels are tracking him through his phone and via his transit pass.  One also cannot do things like sit in meetings and write reports when their spouse is hurling insults and name calling and threatening them - disease or no disease, it's just not possible. I've been updating my shoe ...

 It's been a hot second since I wrote in this blog.  I finished that leave, worked for another year, and am now off on another leave - this time for mental health.  It has to do with my caregiving, my grief, and my inability to concentrate on work.   You can read about caregiving and grief here .