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the fiRst thRee steps and my deconstRuction

 The first three steps of any 12-step program are higher power related.  In my program, there's a general understanding that your HP (higher power) can be anything - except that every piece of literature and everything we read out loud says God.  Capital G, he/him.  So your higher power can be anything, but for the sake of the program and how we interpret it - it's God. This is challenging to someone at the end of their deconstruction journey.  Someone who has grappled with what capital-G, he/him God brings to the table - either on their own or through the interpretation of their people.  The unwaveringly fierce force that brought us Trump and nationalism and fascism and racism - and a bunch of other isms I'm not that fond of. And yet, through the program, a need to rely on that HP to help me become less crazy. So let's back this up.  It was the spring of 2023 and my husband started attending al-anon and within months had realized he may have a problem...
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enteRing the unknown

 In August I started going to al-anon.  It took a while for me to join - having been nudged repeatedly but being nervous in general about the God (capital G he/him) content while deconstructing my faith and rebuilding it.  I was assured over and over that your higher power could be anything but it still didn't feel like something I could do. But I went.  Met some people.  Bought a workbook.  Started reading.  Changed groups.  Met more people, bought another workbook, got a sponsor. I'm going to start writing about what I'm learning, but first - let me qualify. I've got several alcoholics in my life.  Four that impact me the most - the first, who I didn't know was one, and found out about two years ago when they got sober, and have been adjusting and learning ever since.  Another, who is older and sober, and is not always "working their program".  Another, who has abused alcohol and drugs for years and has turned our family inside ou...
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it huRts

 I had a moment today. Two years ago, I would have written an email thanking the team for everything they do and giving examples, and knowing their presents were in the mail - I loved taking care of a team and being their leader and barrier-remover.   This year, there's hardly even anyone to say goodbye to.  My team doesn't really talk and I'm no longer connected in a real way. And i MISS those days so badly and I'm grieving that job a year and four months later - and I wonder if I'll ever feel the sort of connected and satisfied and purposeful as I did for those two years. And with Ritsa  passing this year, it just seems so.. distant.   I wonder if I'll ever get over that job.  The absolute fulfillment I felt and the things I felt I was accomplishing.  Finding out recently that Bob's behaviour and health was mostly caused due to his addiction behaviour, and not actual progression, hasn't made it easier. I feel like I did when he smashed my g...
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theRe's dog shit on my $500 shoes

 There is dog shit on my $500 shoes. I didn't spend $500, but they are listed as such - and I don't always stand outside in November and rake up dog shit, but when I do, I'm wearing a sweater dress and London FLY platform loafers. It's just such a reflection of my life - trying to look nice, get shit done, and maximize my time while all anyone else sees is poop on my shoes. One wonders why one bothers.
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maybe it's just me

 The morning after Trump was elected for the second time is perhaps not the best time to write.  But still, I'm in awe of the stupidity of the American public - the absolute shock that they'd believe in and vote for someone clearly lying and refusing to take ownership of anything.  The fact that they'd rather a felon than a woman - that rights in America will continue to decline - and the lingering worry that populism and fascism is headed this way. And then one of the founders of home depot dies and we're all sad - only no one is sad to see a billionaire republican who was funding trump die.  a terrible man who used "woke" like a slur, and said socialism will ruin capitalism (let's hope so)..  i'm not sad.   And a job I thought I had a really good chance at - didn't even get an interview.  Not even a conversation, while a friend (who I hope gets it) has his interview and the world just keeps moving on. And I'm stuck here, caregiving.  Not ha...
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why does this botheR me?

 My husband used to be very interested in finding a trailer in a park along a lake with lots of people to enjoy ourselves with and a soft breeze to enjoy the summer with.  I argued that I preferred to travel - cottages, Europe, cruises - and that a trailer might tie us down and force us to be home when I wanted to be exploring the world. His disease and deterioration have made that harder.  We can't find cottages easily and air travel is horrific and driving takes up most of my already-dear vacation time.  He's so busy with AA and Al-Anon and church and friends, that he can barely make time to go to a park with me, so I put on an alert for wheelchair accessible cottages or trailers for sale. This week I had an alert.  A wheelchair accessible trailer, about an hour from here on an excellent lake in a well known park.  I set up a viewing and excitedly told Bob.  Who was not interested. Too much partying and new people.  He's busy here, at home....
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spiRituaL abuse

 Growing up evangelical, you don't get to adulthood unscathed by spiritual abuse.   When I was a new teenager, we were at a church where my father was an elder and on the board and the pastor and his family lived across the road from us.  Our families were close.  My mother also worked for the board in some context, one of those independent churches that I can no longer make sense of the hierarchy that it once served.  Suffice it to say, it was a shell corporation for a church - with the pastor's friends on the board, all awarded power and influence - basically creating a small pond for these big fishes.  I was best friends with the pastor's daughter. Everything eventually fell apart.  These things do.  And it was messy, as these things are.  I was commanded to stop being Lee-Ann's friend and not to hang around with her.  Best friends, like first loves, are soul mates at this age, and we both defied our parents and continued to be c...
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