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the fiRst thRee steps and my deconstRuction

 The first three steps of any 12-step program are higher power related.  In my program, there's a general understanding that your HP (higher power) can be anything - except that every piece of literature and everything we read out loud says God.  Capital G, he/him.  So your higher power can be anything, but for the sake of the program and how we interpret it - it's God.

This is challenging to someone at the end of their deconstruction journey.  Someone who has grappled with what capital-G, he/him God brings to the table - either on their own or through the interpretation of their people.  The unwaveringly fierce force that brought us Trump and nationalism and fascism and racism - and a bunch of other isms I'm not that fond of.

And yet, through the program, a need to rely on that HP to help me become less crazy.

So let's back this up.  It was the spring of 2023 and my husband started attending al-anon and within months had realized he may have a problem - or unhealthy relationship - with alcohol.  He started attending AA in October 2023.  This was a month after I returned to work post-mental-health crisis, on an accommodation and outside of the role that I had loved and worked for. It was good news - even if I didn't know or believe he had this unhealthy attitude, but as we talked and he started working the steps I came to realize that he did have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol - and that much of the behaviour I had attributed to selfishness or "being a dude" was the effects of alcoholism (his or other's) on his life.

I still didn't go to al-anon.

At some point around his first year of recovery, late 2024, either he told me or it finally dawned on me that the behaviour and crisis that caused my mental health issue, and that created the landscape for my accommodation to care for him was him abusing alcohol and drugs.  I had to sit with that one - cue the no blogging for a year or so - and really think about what this meant for me.  and my life.  

I still didn't go to al-anon.

Around the first year mark, his mother remarked that I should go to al-anon because that's how we learn to "take care of our alcoholic".  I said nothing, but in my head I thought maybe I was done caring for my alcoholic and maybe my alcoholic could get his shit together and take care of me.  I wrestled with this for a while.

And still didn't go to al-anon.

We had a party at our house in July of 2025.  I met some of the other wives and liked them.  Liked their vibe.  We had dinner with a couple later that month, and I asked her why she went to al-anon, not knowing at the time who she was or how deeply invested she was in the program.  She said, "it gave us a common language during his recovery, and helped me understand the program - and then started working on myself".  

I went to al-anon.

I struggle with the steps.  The first three - the dependence on a higher power post-deconstruction when I've built my spirituality outside of religion and embraced feminism and the hurtful power of religious institutions.  These first three made me worry I would give up but I kept coming back.  And then as I studied not only the steps but the traditions and the concepts, I read that our higher power speaks through the group conscience.

Group conscience, in "the program" is a belief that we work together and make decisions together and trust that we're doing the best for the greatest number.  We strive to air out our issues and talk them out and vote or come to alignment.  And it works.  We can disagree but talk it out - there is no defensiveness or undermining.

And when I realized that the higher power I needed was to rely on the wisdom, experience, and sharing of others - it was easy.  I was able to work through the first three steps - and be ready to tackle the fourth.

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