by myseLf

 For reasons that are myriad and complex, today was a hang out with myself day.  Maybe too much peopling over the last few days or a build up of anxiety from crowded venues and being back at work. 

Work is turning out to be a challenge for me.  On one hand, I'm eternally grateful for the opportunity to continue at part time - keeping my benefits, making an excellent salary, and balancing my life.  On the other hand, I'm in a role that has me a bit confused and feeling occasionally slighted.  The company clawed back my salary when I came into role and then it's 30% of the claw back - still a very good income for this role - but I feel somewhat slighted knowing what others were making and already, four days in role, being told "well, you could probably do that".  Yes, I could.  But the person making manager money should be doing it, not me.  

Here's a scenario - We have project documentation and a project plan.  The project plan, done by a strategy manager, feeds the documentation.  They do the why, the why now, the business objectives and the metrics.  We fill in the learning objectives - gleaned from the business ones - and our analysis.  It supposedly is well followed and built by us, for us.  Well, my first project has not gone this way.  The projecct plan is vague and the business objectives are even more vague.  The feedback I was provided is months old, and has no context.  As I was filling in the documentation, I could not refer back to the plan - and when I asked my manager he was like " you can talk to the strategy manager or just do it yourself".. which yes, I can..  but it should have been done.  I was told what solution they'd like before I even looked at it - and when I dove into the feedback, it was the feedback *I* provided only a few months ago when they handed me a big, stinking pile of shit in February.  When I low-key mentioned this, our senior manager joked, "it's like it was waiting for you".  

Yes, it is like it was waiting for me.  Festering.

But i'll do a great job because that's what i do.  

And Bob had a tantrum this week, complained I took a cut in pay and hours, and said I was milking the system because he wasn't that much work.  I'm trying to get over it, but I feel like I'm sputtering a bit - and it all rolls up together to feel like despite how hard I try I can't get anything sorted or done well and I..

I guess just needed some time today.   I feel like I want to just go away and have some time by myself for a while.  But I'm afraid, because the last time I did that I came home to a shit show.