stabLe_hips

 My parents are at a new church.  And with my basic disregard for all things organized religion, I was a little distressed to hear this.  At their last church, they were becoming disengaged enough that I actually started to hope that they'd see how awful the system is and distance themselves from it.  The lack of masks and the disregard for public health guidelines seemed to impress on my folks that all was not well with the institution. Sadly, they found a new church instead.  A worse church, in my opinion - heavily focused on discipleship (christian for control), and a website full of misogynist, heteronormative, and passive ideations.  The type of church I distain - code words like discipleship, accountability, etc..  dog whistling for control and manipulation.  Lots of talk about giving back to the community, but when you investigate it's mostly things like plays and bible schools and lots of colonial style missions where you fly somewhere, te...

 I dyed my hair blue.  The blond streaks responded well and perked up into a bright blue frame around my face, the grey hairs are now tinted like christmas lights, and the dark, regular hair colour is a shade of  black - dark looking in the house and alive looking outside. Most people like it, or say they do.  I know I'm fifty and technically too old for this - but I'm also wearing leopard print and pairing it with opaque purple tights with feminist naming conventions - a nod into both worlds I am straddling - the gen X who hates rules and the child raised with rules. I get on a video call with my mother and the first thing out of her mouth is IS THAT BLUE IN YOUR HAIR and continues down this questioning in a way, I feel, that's meant to shame me back onto track.  I just didn't let it bother me - realizing that no one wants their mother's approval for fashion related concerns, anyway.  But it tipped me off to something I knew but couldn't quite put my finge...

 About eight or so years ago, I had to give our daughter the shape up or ship out conversation.  She'd been to college, wasn't working, then was working - but not in her field and in a job that sucked - and was spending large amounts of time laying on the couch or bed, snarling at us and being rude.  And when she did leave the couch, and I drove her somewhere, it often resulted in me being verbally abused. I couldn't take it anymore In my mind's eye, I really hoped she'd have a come to jesus moment where she realized she was being abusive and she'd do what needed to be done to change and we'd continue to have her live here.  That was not the option she chose.  Within a few days she was packed and gone, living at her boyfriend's house and we were back at ours - wondering if we did the right thing. Fast forward to today - she's married tdo that boyfriend and we've got an amazing relationship.  No matter how weird it was at first she now has a bette...

 And, the email that was unsent is now sent and unreplied to.  I'm fine wtih that.  There's no apologies for me on how I feel and what my interpretation of the events are.  I'm asking, I hope in a healthy manner, for some closure on the subject - do you still want " to have nothing to fucking do with me"? I had a rough week last week, a co-worker was diagnosed with lung cancer and I had to tell my team and it broke me.  And somewhere during the processing of her news and how the team took the news, I realized that the question from last week wasn't about apologies being said, it was about the underpining of GUILT when I didn't do things the way I was taught I should. So let's weed through that a little; my intersectionality of chubby and christian and all that purity culture and paul's teachings imprinted on me how i should dress  how i should act  what i should believe  what if, what if, what if    And then the whole of my being realizi...

 without apology actually means without guilt.  Sometimes my letters go unsent (but only because his email bounced back - haha) Hey, A friend was diagnosed with lung cancer this week - and it made me realize that two years ago you were going through chemo and last year we stopped communicating. It made me sad and glad - glad that you are better and sad that we don't communicate.   I'll be honest - still not quite sure why the tiktok I sent to you was seen as anything but a joke, why Jen immediately wrote me and told me off, and why you and I didn't talk it out.  I thought, when I sent it, that it was funny and it was between you and I - felt a bit like there was an undercurrent swirling that I either wasn't aware of or didn't notice. Are you still good with your decision to not have anything to do with me?   I miss having a brother - hope you're well. C.

 I don't know!  I keep pondering this question over and over - unsure of what I might do.  I think I behave "without apology" but feel the apology deep inside of me.  I say what I think, I bought tarot cards (but felt bad for doing it), got a tattoo (but hide it from my parents - AT FIFTY!). Here's some ideas I've been thinking about:  would I dress differently?  do more things for me?  would i be more confident?  less empathetic?   Why can't I answer this question?

 Homework this week:  How would I live if I erased apology from my mouth and being? Jesus.  I don't know. As I examine it, apology is so engrained.  Sorry for being me, sorry for doing that, sorry for thinking that way.    Without apology, I wouldn't feel bad for questioning things.  For being a bother.  I don't know what it would change behaviour-wise, but it would change how I feel inside, the internal struggles, the pain of being the owner of all relationships.  I'd let more relationships die, I think.

For homework, I was asked what I no loger believe in, faith wise, and came up with: the bible is inerrant and holy  - more likely a hodge podge of stories that support a male focused world view christians are good people - usually not, actually god is male - a creator just is - likely "above" the whole gender thing literal heaven and hell - not sure what replaces it, but more likely a reflection of right now and how we live "saved by grace" - don't think death saved me - more like living following a humble life saves you from the trappings of materialism and capitalism mary as a virgin/jesus as a god-man - purity culture stuff - controlling women - jesus more likely to be a smart teacher 

For homework this week, was asked to consider, re:  faith, what I still believe in: power of forgiveness beattitudes - a different way to live and think  jesus' teachings are worthwhile - a different way to live and think being thankful - less stressful life a creator - but not a misogynist emotional God who fucks with us bible stories as myth - maybe happened, isn't true but parables or stories to learn from generational curses - from an indigenous perspective, hurt people hurt people moral compasses - but not sin