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consequences

 About eight or so years ago, I had to give our daughter the shape up or ship out conversation.  She'd been to college, wasn't working, then was working - but not in her field and in a job that sucked - and was spending large amounts of time laying on the couch or bed, snarling at us and being rude.  And when she did leave the couch, and I drove her somewhere, it often resulted in me being verbally abused.

I couldn't take it anymore

In my mind's eye, I really hoped she'd have a come to jesus moment where she realized she was being abusive and she'd do what needed to be done to change and we'd continue to have her live here.  That was not the option she chose.  Within a few days she was packed and gone, living at her boyfriend's house and we were back at ours - wondering if we did the right thing.

Fast forward to today - she's married tdo that boyfriend and we've got an amazing relationship.  No matter how weird it was at first she now has a better view to why we demanded that our boundaries be respected and appreciates her experiences for us.  Oddly enough, the in-laws that initially sheltered that behaviour are now on the outs with her - their lack of boundaries are causing other issues in other areas of her life.

I say this, because I'm fully capable of establishing boundaries.  And I have, with my brother and parents, and like my daughter - coming home to a room without her things - it's hard watching my brother choose to not have me in his life, and knowing that I won't do Christmas with my parents anymore.

I'm reminding myself that I set boundaries.  That this is what I can live with.  And that it's okay for me to grieve what I don't have - while still respecting my own boundaries.

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