stabLe_hips

 Note:  Since our last post, Bob has increased his medication and is mostly back to being normal Bob.  And he apologized, but I've invited him to look for around-the-clock care if he feels I'm not doing enough. Yay.  I'm not crazy.  This pain and this cough are not figments of my imagination but are pneumonia and broken ribs.  And not that I'm happy to have either but I feel like at least everything I felt was real. It's not an easy gig, caregiver for spouse with MS.  The newest thing has been dealing with little or no notice for bowel movements.  Don't get me wrong, he's not pooping himself, it just comes on so fast that he's shitting on the floor before I can get him to the toilet.  It's not been my favourite. So me, broken ribs, sitting on the floor, mopping up poop.. it's so not right. And here's the layer of guilt:  do you put someone in a home for this?  Kinda?  But then, he's only 51 and the rest of the day he's okay and...

 Can you get secondary depression?  If so, I think I have it. Bob's depression is worse these days - he's geting progressively worse, he is facing retirement, and he's losing what little autonomy he had.  It sucks, and I understand.  Bob has man-depression meaning that he's not sad, so much as crazy raging.  I dislike it very much.   Last night, he was mad about my reaction to something and he lost his mind.  Hit the wall, called me names, and threw his catheter bag at me.  I'm not going to sit here and tell you I was not just as angry, but I didn't take it where he took it.  He told me to pack my bags and get the fuck out of his house. Ugh, I'm on the mortgage too. Not the argument. I know. This isn't "him" - but as I stand in a hallway at 10 p.m. at night with urine being thrown at me, I wonder if I loved the real Bob enough to put up with this new Bob I'm facing.  I want to be one of those women who just help and serve and make i...

 I know I sounded super-cranky in my last post, and for that I'm sorry.  Moment of time - but a real feeling overall.  Caregiving is hard, and thankless, and demanding.    When we returned to Toronto from our trip, we were in the airport - and Bob is in a power chair and I'm pushing a cart with two gigantic suitcases, a patient lift, and my carry on.  Do you know how many people asked Bob if he needed anything?  Even when I was struggling with things falling off the cart, or near tears from the pain in my ribs, people would stop and ask Bob if he needed anything.  It was utterly frustrating. And not his fault. Last week I attended a conference with my team - and it was a great learning experience.  I had to leave home early one day, though, and left out sunscreen for Bob and his PSW.  It wasn't put on well, and Bob didn't monitor his time outside (he monitors the parking lot for the mission), resulting in 2nd degree burns on his nose, fo...