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sent

 And, the email that was unsent is now sent and unreplied to.  I'm fine wtih that.  There's no apologies for me on how I feel and what my interpretation of the events are.  I'm asking, I hope in a healthy manner, for some closure on the subject - do you still want " to have nothing to fucking do with me"?

I had a rough week last week, a co-worker was diagnosed with lung cancer and I had to tell my team and it broke me.  And somewhere during the processing of her news and how the team took the news, I realized that the question from last week wasn't about apologies being said, it was about the underpining of GUILT when I didn't do things the way I was taught I should.

So let's weed through that a little; my intersectionality of chubby and christian and all that purity culture and paul's teachings imprinted on me

  • how i should dress 

  • how i should act 

  • what i should believe 

  • what if, what if, what if 

 

And then the whole of my being realizing I don't actually believe what I thought I believed and that I was essentially in a cult and still think like I'm in a cult and have to get past those thoughts daily, all day.  The emotional work of getting past those thoughts, and getting past the expectations of me, nevermind the whole idea of having 100% of the responsibility for some relationships...

Fuck, no wonder. 

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