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it huRts

 I had a moment today.

Two years ago, I would have written an email thanking the team for everything they do and giving examples, and knowing their presents were in the mail - I loved taking care of a team and being their leader and barrier-remover.  

This year, there's hardly even anyone to say goodbye to.  My team doesn't really talk and I'm no longer connected in a real way.

And i MISS those days so badly and I'm grieving that job a year and four months later - and I wonder if I'll ever feel the sort of connected and satisfied and purposeful as I did for those two years. And with Ritsa  passing this year, it just seems so.. distant.  

I wonder if I'll ever get over that job.  The absolute fulfillment I felt and the things I felt I was accomplishing.  Finding out recently that Bob's behaviour and health was mostly caused due to his addiction behaviour, and not actual progression, hasn't made it easier. I feel like I did when he smashed my great-grandmother's mirror - like there is nothing he wouldn't rob from me if he was angry.

I'm trying.

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