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thinking - music

 It's been a while since I blogged - this year I'm attempting to journal more in a dream and journal book - keeping track of tarot readings and dreams and otherwise connecting to spirituality - figuring out what I believe.

This morning, I was listening to the Tragically Hip - first time since Gord died that I listened with old ears, and not through a veil of grief that we'll never have new music from them again.  As I listened to Ahead by a Century, I remembered hearing this song for the first time.

I had a two year old and a baby.  Married, still, to my ex.   Our apartment was nice, breezy, and in tones of grey.  Things were not perfect, but as the song played and I stared out the window, it dawned on me I was not in love with my husband.

I'd always known, of course, that I didn't feel about him the way I felt about the person before him.  I didn't have the suffocating feeling of love, the chemical induced feelings, or the passion.  But the song amplified that for me - showed me, illuminated it, and the "no dress rehearsals" line made me feel sick.

I stuck it out for another 3 years - and it was him who left.  What a mess.

What would I do differently?  I would have broken up with him in high school.  I would have not cared what he thought or if I hurt him, I would have done what was right for me.  I would have not been steeped in obligation and loyalty and realize that I was not in love with him.  I would have taken a chance on someone I felt a lot more passionate about.  

I would have investigated life.  Maybe not married.  Travelled.  Loved.  Had way more sex outside of marriage and not felt an ounce of guilt about it.  I would have rejected the whole purity, women's role in society, marriage thing and just been me.

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