Skip to main content

today

I know I just posted, but that was when my husband was on the toilet, and I had coffee in hand, and was spending my morning in a relaxed manner.  Fast forward 20 minutes, and all hell has broken loose.

Back story - Bob struggles with constipation and he's on a bowel routine.  He takes nutricleanse each morning, and if he goes three days without pooping, he gets a suppository to move things along.  Occasionally, Bob poops on day one or two, and then he feels like it always should be that way.  And in a perfect world, he's right - but in an MS world, we haven't seen that work out ver well.  

This morning was day 2 - but he felt urge and wanted to try - so I gave him a suppository and had the PSW put him on the toilet - but surprise surprise - he didn't go.  He asked the PSW to leave him there, mostly dressed, and I would finish him once he pooped, which he never did.  For those of you following along, I'm off on STD due to broken ribs and am trying my best to protect my boundaries and not do his lifting-type care while I heal.  The pulling on of pants - rolling and pulling and leaning over the bed - is hard on my healing.  I did it, but warned this was outside of my boundaries.

Then he wanted his sling adjusted, and I couldn't.  He got frustrated.  I tried to have a conversation about boundaries but he got angrier and angrier.  Something about how I can't or won't take him to the toilet when he needs (not true), and then escalated it into physical (throwing his water bottle, it exploding water everywhere that I had to clean up) and verbal (he's going to move to NS - put the house up for sale and move without me - so i need to get my shit out of here, also that I'm useless and need to move out so he can move in someone to take care of him properly).  He threw the bananas, broke some other small things in the bathroom - all after promising to stop throwing and breaking things after he broke my great-grandmother's mirror that I treasured.  

I'm not mad.  I know he's just frustrated and can't see through his anger.  But I'm tired of living this way.  Want to sell my house and move away without me?  Fucking okay- am I supposed to be sad about the get out of jail free card?  He, he says, can live on 60% of his income and has been thinking about this for a while.  Umm..  fine?  Hope you enjoy your life?    Who the hell is going to take care of him?  Especially the way I do.  

So I'm sitting here, second coffee beside me, watching the enbridge guy work in the yard, waiting to shower..  and I'm just kinda wondering if Bob will say sorry or if he'll list the house.  I kind of don't care either way right now..  it's sort of win win.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

bListeRs

 I know I sounded super-cranky in my last post, and for that I'm sorry.  Moment of time - but a real feeling overall.  Caregiving is hard, and thankless, and demanding.    When we returned to Toronto from our trip, we were in the airport - and Bob is in a power chair and I'm pushing a cart with two gigantic suitcases, a patient lift, and my carry on.  Do you know how many people asked Bob if he needed anything?  Even when I was struggling with things falling off the cart, or near tears from the pain in my ribs, people would stop and ask Bob if he needed anything.  It was utterly frustrating. And not his fault. Last week I attended a conference with my team - and it was a great learning experience.  I had to leave home early one day, though, and left out sunscreen for Bob and his PSW.  It wasn't put on well, and Bob didn't monitor his time outside (he monitors the parking lot for the mission), resulting in 2nd degree burns on his nose, fo...
Post a Comment
Read more

maybe it's just me

 The morning after Trump was elected for the second time is perhaps not the best time to write.  But still, I'm in awe of the stupidity of the American public - the absolute shock that they'd believe in and vote for someone clearly lying and refusing to take ownership of anything.  The fact that they'd rather a felon than a woman - that rights in America will continue to decline - and the lingering worry that populism and fascism is headed this way. And then one of the founders of home depot dies and we're all sad - only no one is sad to see a billionaire republican who was funding trump die.  a terrible man who used "woke" like a slur, and said socialism will ruin capitalism (let's hope so)..  i'm not sad.   And a job I thought I had a really good chance at - didn't even get an interview.  Not even a conversation, while a friend (who I hope gets it) has his interview and the world just keeps moving on. And I'm stuck here, caregiving.  Not ha...
Post a Comment
Read more

by myseLf

 For reasons that are myriad and complex, today was a hang out with myself day.  Maybe too much peopling over the last few days or a build up of anxiety from crowded venues and being back at work.  Work is turning out to be a challenge for me.  On one hand, I'm eternally grateful for the opportunity to continue at part time - keeping my benefits, making an excellent salary, and balancing my life.  On the other hand, I'm in a role that has me a bit confused and feeling occasionally slighted.  The company clawed back my salary when I came into role and then it's 30% of the claw back - still a very good income for this role - but I feel somewhat slighted knowing what others were making and already, four days in role, being told "well, you could probably do that".  Yes, I could.  But the person making manager money should be doing it, not me.   Here's a scenario - We have project documentation and a project plan.  The project plan, done...
Post a Comment
Read more