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Listening to Dave Matthews Band

 I'm almost certainly depressed.  Self diagnosis following a music background of postal service and dave matthews band.  I don't know of any more positive litmus test for depression than some 'crash into me'.

I'm alone in my house with four dogs.  The fire is on, and I'm supposed to be doing homework, but I'm struggling with a crippling depression that I'm trying so hard not to have.  I'm the strong one - who broke in the summer and took 13 weeks off and returned to work on a mental health accomodation, losing the best job I ever had.  I spend 30 hours a week now, missing having a say, protecting my team, and mentoring others.  I do what I do, and all the while wish things were different.  "You can go back" well meaning people say, forgetting that the end of that sentence is "once Bob is dead" and that the role was merged into another and no longer exists.  It's another thing on the grief pile that I cannot deal with.

I care for my husband - who is no longer himself.  Or, maybe a version of himself.  He's recently been active in Al-Anon and AA - another change in our dynamic I don't fully understand. I spend a lot of time alone - from working from home in a solitary role, to being literally alone as my husband attends his meetings. It's a lot of time to think, to grieve, or to just ignore it and watch grey's anatomy.  Amazing how we can just curl up inside of ourselves.

Maybe i just needed to write that down.


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