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the feeLing of being oveRwheLmed

 Breathe.

Last night Bob had an accident of the embarrassing kind.  I cleaned him up, then cleaned up the wheelchair, and rinsed laundry while I waited for the dishwasher to run its cycle before I started laundry.  I got to bed around 11 or so, after a very busy christmas day.  

He woke up during the night, once.  He was fine.  The dogs were up at 5:30.  And as I was shepherding the dogs back into napping state post-pee, he asked me to get him water, when I had a moment.  I said, "I'm about to put my feet up - it will be an hour or so".  to which he told me he was super-thirsty and just needed water and I knew immediately it would not wait until I "had a moment".  

So I did what every other exhausted wife would do and got him the water but said "fuck me" while I was doing it.  And when I walked in his room, I should not have - but I did - say, "this is exactly what I mean about not taking no for an answer".

He was furious - accused me of not bringing him water when he was thirsty, said a bunch of other things I've managed to block out, and then threw the water.  The man dying of thirst who was intentionally hurting me over it, was now throwing the water without drinking it.

I got him a new water, while he ranted, and left the room.  Five hours later he was still mad, and told me to post on AITA to see what people thought of my actions.  I told him to post it himself, if he could figure it out, and to stop gaslighting and manipulating me.

------

It's not easy having a husband that requires this much care.  Fighting with him seems cruel, but being his punching bag and nanny feels worse.  I don't sleep past six, and I wake up running after dogs, fetching stuff for bob, getting ready for PSWs.  I'm continually in some sort of exhausted/resentful/guilt-ridden loop that's almost impossible to break free from.


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