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epiphany

It's the liturgical season of Epiphany.  I can take the Christmas decorations down, now.  Not that I couldn't before, but I like to have them up until today, for whatever reason.

It's interesting to me that while I do not attend church, have an active hate-on for church as an institution, and refuse to let any of my money go to such institutions - that I know exactly when Epiphany is, did advent (albeit a gratitude project guided by coffee) and follow the liturgical seasons somewhere in my brain.  I like the traditions and comfort of old-timey religion just without the colonization, racism, and misogyny.    Oh, and without the evangelical clown show.

I want to be comfortable inside of a church - an old-timey church with wood and echoes and hymn numbers up on the wall instead of a gymnasium rigged wtih a light show and pathetic 30 year olds rocking out to worship music like a failed bon jovi tribute band.  I want to find somewhere inclusive - where no one is left out, and the focus is on learning and being more like Jesus.  As opposed to the navel-gazing, oppressed into hating gays and working in the nursery, hosting free movie nights for rich people suburban church strategy.  

When I attended, so much focus was put on how to be relevant, instead of just being relevant.  Oh, a marriage seminar bastardized for millennials who are currently living together?  Perfect, they'd nod, and plan it and wonder why no one came.  Instead of giving out food or sandwiches or clothes and just talking to people that wanted to talk.  

It remains strange to me that my family finds my lack of faith distasteful.  And yet, in my fostering, my mediating, my cooking, my donating, and my thought leadership - it's all about meeting the needs of my community and making them feel loved and important.  I didn't see that in church leadership - it was the leaders who were meant to feel important, not the people they supposedly served.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this all down.  It's been a year.  It's been a long couple of years.  And I am trying to order my thoughts so that I can make things easier for me.

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