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tantRums suck

 This weekend was tough - we were back to having tantrums and saying mean things when we don't get our own way.  

And I'm not going to talk about it or relive it - what I'm going to do is talk about how it feels when your husband changes personality and you still love them but you are in love with a version that doesn't exist anymore and it's not their fault but it's still plenty upsetting and you've already lost so much that when they threaten to leave or put themselves in a home to somehow teach you a lesson..

You have an out of body experience wondering if you say "ok" and walk away if it would be okay.  No more verbal abuse, no more living with someone who cannot love you back, no more cleaning up body fluids and manually moving them until you break ribs, and a finite, linear line to your grief.

But no, you love this person - in love with an older version that seems to no longer exist - but the love remains, intact, differently, and there.  Always there.

So you talk them down from it.  Rub their leg, make it better, wonder how long you can do this.

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