Skip to main content

tantRums suck

 This weekend was tough - we were back to having tantrums and saying mean things when we don't get our own way.  

And I'm not going to talk about it or relive it - what I'm going to do is talk about how it feels when your husband changes personality and you still love them but you are in love with a version that doesn't exist anymore and it's not their fault but it's still plenty upsetting and you've already lost so much that when they threaten to leave or put themselves in a home to somehow teach you a lesson..

You have an out of body experience wondering if you say "ok" and walk away if it would be okay.  No more verbal abuse, no more living with someone who cannot love you back, no more cleaning up body fluids and manually moving them until you break ribs, and a finite, linear line to your grief.

But no, you love this person - in love with an older version that seems to no longer exist - but the love remains, intact, differently, and there.  Always there.

So you talk them down from it.  Rub their leg, make it better, wonder how long you can do this.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

waiting to exhaLe

 I'm in my fourth week of a mental health short term leave.  It's a weird feeling, getting up in the morning with no where to go and nothing to do.  My brain needs to rest, and I'm doing therapy, but the rest of my days are spent playing with the dogs or doing gardening or slowly going through vintage shops looking for deals.   My leave started after I wrote that blog entry - and when I returned from Mexico to a husband having neurological symptoms for his MS.  These included fun things like delusions and paranoia, and m personal favourite - rage.  It's impossible to work when your spouse has no concept of if he's in reality or present day, or insists that the hell's angels are tracking him through his phone and via his transit pass.  One also cannot do things like sit in meetings and write reports when their spouse is hurling insults and name calling and threatening them - disease or no disease, it's just not possible. I've been updating my shoe ...
Post a Comment
Read more

wait, what?

My husband has secondary progressive MS and receives government funded homecare.  The Ontario government pays HCCSS to oversee home care in Ontario, and then HCCSS contracts out the work to local agencies.  In our case, St Elizz has the bulk of the contract for Bob's PSW care. We were assessed for 7 hours a week - which means once a day a PSW comes in to get him up, give him a shower, dress him, and helps him prepare for his day.  We have all the toys - hospital bed, a lift, a commode, a safety belt, power chair, ramps, roll in shower - everything anyone needs to take care of my husband. Over the last five years, care has declined.  I've estimated that we "miss a visit" roughtly 6 times a month, which is more than once a week.  It's roughly 20% of our visits, overall.  Generally speaking, we miss visits when our main guy is off - sick, vacation, whatever.  This is because local agencies don't get a sick call and re-distribute patient care.  They g...
Post a Comment
Read more

secondaRy depRession

 Can you get secondary depression?  If so, I think I have it. Bob's depression is worse these days - he's geting progressively worse, he is facing retirement, and he's losing what little autonomy he had.  It sucks, and I understand.  Bob has man-depression meaning that he's not sad, so much as crazy raging.  I dislike it very much.   Last night, he was mad about my reaction to something and he lost his mind.  Hit the wall, called me names, and threw his catheter bag at me.  I'm not going to sit here and tell you I was not just as angry, but I didn't take it where he took it.  He told me to pack my bags and get the fuck out of his house. Ugh, I'm on the mortgage too. Not the argument. I know. This isn't "him" - but as I stand in a hallway at 10 p.m. at night with urine being thrown at me, I wonder if I loved the real Bob enough to put up with this new Bob I'm facing.  I want to be one of those women who just help and serve and make i...
Post a Comment
Read more