the sudden arrival of grief

I had always understood that grief, the deep sorrow, only arrived after a death or loss. I was thinking too grand, and imagining it different from what it is. I had not yet heard of anticipatory grief, ambiguous grief, or stacked grief. I didn't know you could grieve more than the person.

My grief arrived like autumn sometimes does. My regular life enveloping me like sun-toasted September air, only to look more closely to see evidence of fall. My grief arrived like a fallen, red leaf on a still warm sidewalk - curious, ominous, foreshadowing. I knew, but I did not know, and I clung to my unknowing. Bob wasn't dead yet, I reasoned. The leaf fell too early.

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bListeRs

I know I sounded super-cranky in my last post, and for that I'm sorry. Moment of time - but a real feeling overall. Caregiving is hard, and thankless, and demanding. When we returned to Toronto from our trip, we were in the airport - and Bob is in a power chair and I'm pushing a cart with two gigantic suitcases, a patient lift, and my carry on. Do you know how many people asked Bob if he needed anything? Even when I was struggling with things falling off the cart, or near tears from the pain in my ribs, people would stop and ask Bob if he needed anything. It was utterly frustrating. And not his fault. Last week I attended a conference with my team - and it was a great learning experience. I had to leave home early one day, though, and left out sunscreen for Bob and his PSW. It wasn't put on well, and Bob didn't monitor his time outside (he monitors the parking lot for the mission), resulting in 2nd degree burns on his nose, fo...

maybe it's just me

The morning after Trump was elected for the second time is perhaps not the best time to write. But still, I'm in awe of the stupidity of the American public - the absolute shock that they'd believe in and vote for someone clearly lying and refusing to take ownership of anything. The fact that they'd rather a felon than a woman - that rights in America will continue to decline - and the lingering worry that populism and fascism is headed this way. And then one of the founders of home depot dies and we're all sad - only no one is sad to see a billionaire republican who was funding trump die. a terrible man who used "woke" like a slur, and said socialism will ruin capitalism (let's hope so).. i'm not sad. And a job I thought I had a really good chance at - didn't even get an interview. Not even a conversation, while a friend (who I hope gets it) has his interview and the world just keeps moving on. And I'm stuck here, caregiving. Not ha...

by myseLf

For reasons that are myriad and complex, today was a hang out with myself day. Maybe too much peopling over the last few days or a build up of anxiety from crowded venues and being back at work. Work is turning out to be a challenge for me. On one hand, I'm eternally grateful for the opportunity to continue at part time - keeping my benefits, making an excellent salary, and balancing my life. On the other hand, I'm in a role that has me a bit confused and feeling occasionally slighted. The company clawed back my salary when I came into role and then it's 30% of the claw back - still a very good income for this role - but I feel somewhat slighted knowing what others were making and already, four days in role, being told "well, you could probably do that". Yes, I could. But the person making manager money should be doing it, not me. Here's a scenario - We have project documentation and a project plan. The project plan, done...

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